Forever
by Ten Story
Summary: Sequel to 'The Phone that Always Rings.' Kowaru begins his attack on Nerv. Will Shinji be able to talk him out of destroying himself or will he discover that fate is unalterable? Rated for language and extreme sexual content. KxS
1. Chapter 1

"Forever"

Sequel to "The Phone that Always Rings" by Ten Story

Summary: Kowaru begins his attack on Nerv. Will Shinji be able to talk him out of destroying himself or will he discover that fate is unalterable?

Disclaimer: I don't own Eva, blah blah blah. This is just me venting my frustrations directed towards my favorite yaoi couple of all time.

NOTE TO ALL OBSESSIVE FANS: Yes, I know Kowaru is a little different here. I'm experimenting. Hopefully you will like it and not throw flames at me XD

--

Kaworu lay in Shinji's bed, playfully kicking his feet back and forth in the air as he watched Shinji surf the internet on his brand new computer. Misato had just bought it for him for his last birthday, and he was still getting used to it. The sunlight streamed through the window delicately as the sun rose over Tokyo 3, brightening the sky to a pastel blue and pink. In the bathroom they could hear Asuka taking her shower and humming off-key as she always did, and Pen Pen impatiently waiting for his turn outside the door. Misato was snoring so loudly they could hear it from across the apartment.

"There's so much to do on the internet. It's really amazing, isn't it?" Shinji said innocently, trying his best not to look over at Kowaru. The silver-haired boy had not bothered to dress himself yet, though they only had thirty minutes or so before they needed to leave for school. Kowaru was smiling devilishly, seeing the blush on Shinji's face brighten while he stood up and walked over to kiss his neck, completely exposing himself to Shinji. They had been together for over a year, but still Shinji blushed at the smallest things. Kowaru supposed he always would, which made him all the more irresistible.

"Kowaru kun…please…we need to get ready for school…"

"Then it's the perfect time for a quick one…"

"Kowaru kun! You're the one that insisted I look this up now!"

He gestured wildly to the internet screen, which read in Kanji 'Online sex toys.'

"Ah, but Shinji kun, you were the one that expressed you wanted to find some new games to play…"

Gently he nipped at Shinji's earlobe, causing Shinji to moan quietly under his breath.

"And besides, I'll be gone all night tonight for Ritsuko san's test and I want to make sure you'll have something to keep you company."

"You don't have to remind me…" Shinji pouted.

Kowaru grinned. "Ah, look at that one, Shinji kun." he pointed to a large dildo on the screen. Slowly he cupped his hand over Shinji's cock and whispered, "Is that one big enough for you?"

His skin practically the color of the red bed sheets tangled on the floor, Shinji bravely whispered back, "You know nothing will satisfy me…like you do."

Kowaru grinned and lowered himself between Shinji's legs, spreading them out quickly and unzipping his trousers. Sinfully he played with the boy's expanding cock, licking his fingers and massaging the tip and underside. Shinji gasped and clawed his back, biting his lips and turning them white.

"I still don't understand…ngh…why she wants only you to spend the night at Nerv…why can't I go with you?"

"Because it's a sleep monitoring test and if we were together, love, we wouldn't sleep at all."

Despite his uncontrollable arousal, Shinji laughed and covered his eyes.

"Please…"

Kowaru nodded. He knew the moment the word escaped Shinji's lips what he wanted, but some part of him loved torturing his lover. "Please _what?"_

"I want you…_inside…"_

Almost violently Kowaru stood Shinji up and slammed him against the wall, ripping his pants down and firmly stroking his erection. Lately they had been enjoying playing out more violent scenarios, pulling hair and viciously taking one another in the dark. Shinji spread his palms out over the wall, arching his hips up to angle himself more invitingly for Kowaru.

Kowaru forced himself inside Shinji, wildly bucking his hips to move as fast as he could. Shinji clamped his teeth down on his arm, desperately trying to hush his voice, even as the overwhelming pain and pleasure made him practically blind to everything else.

After a few minutes Kowaru pushed Shinji over to lean against the back of the chair so he wouldn't need to lift his hips up so much. This provided them the perfect angle and together they gasped for breath, their chests heaving.

_BANG BANG BANG!_

"Shinji baka!! Why aren't you cooking _breakfast!? _It's almost time to go! We're going to go to school without eating if you don't start now!"

Aggressively twisting Shinji's left nipple, Kowaru smiled and pulled Shinji's hair, savagely whispering into his ear:

"If you don't want Asuka san to hear you, Shinji kun, do your best."

"Kowaru kun…I…can't…"

To help him, Kowaru quickly clamped a hand over Shinji's mouth. It was just in time - the boy came all over the carpet, the chair and the tangled bed sheets. Kowaru was not far behind. Quietly he clenched his teeth and felt himself coat the inside of Shinji, and soon the two fell down on the bed in a mess of sticky cum and slick sweat.

"SHINJI BAKA!!" Asuka screamed. "WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE! COME OUT OF THERE _NOW!!"_

Shinji's eyes snapped open and he tried to leap out of bed, but Kowaru would not let go of him.

"Go on without us, Asuka san!" He called out. "We'll meet you there."

Asuka indignantly scoffed at the door and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the front door behind her. Kowaru squeezed Shinji tightly and buried his face between his shoulder blades. The sudden affectionate nature of the embrace suddenly made Shinji alarmed. He tried to turn around and look at Kowaru but Kowaru would not let go of him.

"Kowaru kun…are you okay? …Is there something the matter?" he asked with a note of concern in his voice. Kowaru was shaking now and genuinely frightening Shinji - finally he squeezed free and pulled Kowaru's face up to his, revealing that he was crying.

"What's going on? Talk to me." he begged, caressing his face gently. Kowaru smiled through his tears and kissed Shinji's forehead.

"Nothing. Just…give me a few more minutes here with you. Even if we're late for school."

"Of course." He answered. But the fear he felt in his gut wasn't going away. It wasn't like Kowaru to cry about anything or seem so sad. Always he seemed so confident. Always he was a pillar of strength.

"Kowaru kun…you would tell me if something was bothering you, wouldn't you? I mean, I'm always leaning on you all the time, but you never--"

"I don't want to ever hide anything from you, Shinji kun." Kowaru confessed. Shinji smiled, lightly kissing him and putting his head against his chest.

"I trust you, Kowaru kun."

Kowaru bit his lip and sighed. "And I you, Shinji kun."

--

The moment they arrived at school was when things began to change. Kowaru suddenly became distant and wouldn't respond when Shinji asked him a question. When Shinji tried to pass the usual notes to him as the teacher droned on yet again about Second Impact (in case the class had not been listening the first hundred thousand times), Kowaru stared out the window. At lunch time Kowaru sat by himself, not offering an explanation why. Even after school on their way to Nerv headquarters, Shinji hung back to match Kowaru's leisurely pace, but when he tried to take Kowaru's hand or talk to him, Kowaru would pull away gently and say nothing.

The two were certainly past the point in their relationship where Shinji worried about the solidity of Kowaru's feelings towards him, but then again Kowaru _never _acted like this. Perhaps he had grown tired of him? No…Kowaru always said he would never leave him. It was ridiculous to have such thoughts…

But Shinji wasn't strong enough to dismiss the thoughts that easily. He felt as if someone were slowly strangling him, simultaneously grasping his heart and squeezing it until it seemed that it would burst. Every time Kowaru averted his eyes from Shinji, all the air rushed out of his lungs and they seemed to forget how to breathe. Each and every moment he desperately asked himself what he should do, how could he help…but he had no answers for himself.

By the time the routine synch test was in full motion, Shinji was on the brink of tears. There was no improvement in Kowaru's mood. While the rest of the pilots were concentrating with their eyes shut, Shinji stared at the tiny digital picture of Kowaru on his monitor, once again feeling his breath escape him. Ritsuko and Misato whispered to one another, and then ended the test.

Ritsuko called a meeting for all the pilots in the break room.

"Alright everyone, good work today." She said. "Now, orders of business are…let's see…there will be a special endurance test next Wednesday. Also Asuka chan - I wanted to let you know that, not counting Kowaru of course, you scored the highest on the last synch test. Congratulations!"

Asuka smiled triumphantly while the other pilots clapped, albeit not so enthusiastically. Briefly her fiery stare stopped on Kowaru, whom she gave an angry sneer. Kowaru just smiled.

"And let's see, what else…" Ritsuko continued. "Ah, yes. Kowaru kun, did you bring all your things you will need to stay overnight?"

"Yes, Ritsuko san." he replied.

"Why does Kowaru kun need to take the test, and not the rest of us?" Shinji pleaded. "I don't think he feels well. Could we postpone it, Ritsuko san?"

"No Shinji kun. I'm fine." Kowaru interjected. Asuka stuck her tongue out at the distraught, affectionate glance Shinji gave the boy, but Kowaru bored a hole with his red eyes through the floor, looking somewhat ashamed for the first time Shinji could remember. Rei watched them both very closely with her usual blank face.

"As I've explained to you several times Shinji kun…we need Kowaru kun for…various reasons." Ritsuko said. "Don't worry. Everything is fine. Now everyone hit the locker room and change. We'll see you back here Wednesday."

Slowly the four of them walked back to the locker room. In the hallway Misato briefly walked past Shinji; when no one was looking she gently took his arm and brought him to the side.

"You alright, Shinji kun? You seemed to have something on your mind during the test."

"I'm sorry…" he offered immediately. "Were my scores that terrible? I'll do better next time, I promise."

Misato sighed. "No, it's not that. That doesn't matter, Shinji-kun; we know what your usual scores are and you're just having a tough day. Just…let me know if I can help, alright?"

Shinji nodded blankly. "Hai, Misato san."

As he walked away, Misato looked upwards and cursed. "What am I going to do with that one?"

When Shinji arrived in the locker room, Kowaru did not greet him.

"Congratulations on doing so well on the test, as always Kowaru kun." he said softly. He leaned over to kiss him on the cheek, but as he expected, the boy pulled away. After he walked into the showers Shinji flopped down on a bench, his head in his hands. At long last he looked up and around him, his eyes moist and his lips quivering. Everywhere in this locker room he saw places where they had made memories, and they flashed before him, making him even more distraught. When no one was around they had claimed the space for their own, kissing and touching and taking time to worship each other…

So why was this happening? Why was Kowaru acting like this? And it was so abrupt - just this morning everything had been fine…

Quietly he approached the shower curtain, raising his fingertips and deciding whether or not to enter Kowaru's stall. But in the end he didn't; he turned away and began changing himself.

After the four pilots were finished, Rei, Asuka and Shinji got on the elevator to leave while Kowaru saw them off. He waved nonchalantly to them with an apathetic smile. There was no emotion in the gesture - none whatsoever.

"Good night, Kowaru kun." Shinji called out, practically shaking.

"Good night, Shinji kun." Kowaru replied. Then he turned and walked away with Ritsuko, disappearing from Shinji's sight.

Rei watched him but said nothing.

Asuka sneered at Shinji. "Stop moping, baka. You'll see your 'bestest buddy in the whole world' tomorrow." She said in a mocking tone.

Shinji was not listening. The choking feeling had returned; he put his hands up to his neck and struggled to breathe in his desperation. Right before the elevator doors closed his feet carried him forward, slamming his body against the metal and prying it open with his fingertips.

He found himself running, running…he had to catch up, he had to…

"Kowaru…kun…" he panted. Ritsuko and Kowaru stopped and turned while Shinji leaned against the corner of a wall, trying to catch his breath.

Ritsuko half-smiled and bowed her head in greeting to Shinji. "I'll wait downstairs for you, Kowaru kun." she said.

"Oh, hai, Ritsuko san." the boy replied. He watched her step on the escalator and disappear.

"Yes, Shinji kun?" Kowaru asked.

"Kowaru kun. I want you to have something. It's a gift." Shinji answered. He reached into his backpack and began wildly digging.

"A gift?" Kowaru said.

"It's always kept me company whenever I'm alone…" Carefully he lifted out a tiny black box with a pair of earphones attached. Kowaru marveled at it.

"Shinji kun…your SDAT player? But I…"

"I want it to keep you company while you're alone tonight…" Shinji interrupted. He smiled and put it in Kowaru's hands, closing his fingers around it. "And from now on, you should have it wherever you go, so you'll always have some of me with you."

"But this…it's your most precious thing in the world. You take it with you everywhere. You love this…"

"But Kowaru kun…I love _you_."

The confession was a quiet one, almost taken away by the blast of the air conditioning in the halls and the hum of the fluorescent lights above. Yet it still reached Kowaru, and his eyes filled with tears as he pushed Shinji against the wall and kissed him with all the passion he could muster.

Shinji savagely grabbed Kowaru back, squeezing his hips and driving his tongue into his mouth, wanting so much more than a kiss could give. They cried together as their kiss ended, their foreheads pushed together and their arms wantonly wrapped around one another.

"Please tell me what's wrong…" Shinji whispered.

Kowaru looked at him. In that moment Shinji could see the battle raging in his eyes - the desire to say all and the force that was keeping the words at bay. But at long last the force had won; Kowaru smiled and said quietly, "Everything is fine, Shinji kun."

"Kowaru kun…it's time to go." Ritsuko called as she reappeared at the top of the escalator once more. Kowaru nodded at her and let go of Shinji. He did not look back and Shinji could think of nothing else to say.

When Shinji emerged from the elevator and stepped onto the street, he saw Rei waiting at the bus stop. He sat down next to her.

"Where's Asuka?"

"She left already."

"Oh." Shinji said sadly. Some part of him was desperate for company, even if it was Asuka's. This was one night he didn't want to be alone.

Rei's bus arrived but she did not move to get up. Shinji noticed gratefully and asked her quietly:

"Ayanami…would you walk with me?"

"If you want." she replied blankly.

The two strolled on the sidewalk to the inner part of the city where Misato's apartment was located.

"Ayanami, can I talk to you about something?"

"If you want." she said again.

"Do you think something is wrong with Kowaru kun? He was really distant today."

"He might want his space."

_Space? _ Shinji thought. _He's never needed it before…why would he start now?_

"In any case, don't trust him."

Shinji looked up at her sadly. "You don't trust him, Ayanami?"

"No. It's foolish to trust anyone so easily, unless you want to get hurt."

They reached the crossroads where they needed to part ways. Rei turned to him for only a moment before heading off towards her home.

"He's dangerous, Ikari. If you don't want to get hurt…stay away."

She left him alone then in the street lamp light as he watched her go. Then he plopped down on a bench nearby and stared upwards at the sky.

"Kowaru kun…what is going through your mind?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Here is your room, Kowaru kun. I need you to take all your clothes off."

"Hai, Ritsuko san."

Kowaru did as he was asked in the small, bland bedroom. The walls and ceiling were tiled over, giving the place a sterile and cold feeling. The tiny bed was in the corner next to several large machines, each blinking and whirring quietly.

Once he sat down on the edge of the bed, Ritsuko began hooking the machines to his skin. She marveled at the ivory quality it had - practically luminescent in the fluorescent lamp light. As if the boy had never stepped outside his entire life. In a way it made it easier to do her job. To think of him less than a human gave her the power to stay aloof, even as he stared so sadly at the floor.

"It's not like you to seem down, Kowaru kun." she ventured.

He looked up and smiled at her in a very plutonic way. "I think you're right, Ritsuko san. I apologize."

"No need." she shrugged. Her eyes darted away from his quickly. "This room is sound proof so you can sleep your deepest. During the night we'll be monitoring your brain activity as well as your vitals. In the morning we'll have a car take you to school. Now then, do you have any questions?"

"Are you going to stay up all night watching me, Ritsuko san?"

She smiled and yawned. "That's right."

"I am sorry to inconvenience you."

"It's my job, Kowaru kun. Don't worry. Now try to get some sleep, alright? I know it will be a little hard to fall asleep in a strange place, but do your best."

"I will. Good night, Ritsuko san."

"Good night."

She turned and walked out. But just as she was about to shut the door, Kowaru called out to her.

"You don't trust me, do you Ritsuko san. Even though I've been here for almost a year, you've always looked at me with cold eyes."

Closing her eyes with a sigh, her head fell to her chest. It only took her a few seconds to decide to lie or not, and once she made up her mind she did not hesitate.

"No. I don't."

The door shut behind her. Kowaru laughed and squeezed the little SDAT player tighter in his hand.

"I wouldn't trust me, either."

--

It was 3 A.M. when Ritsuko finally started to nod off, despite the many cups of coffee Maya kept retrieving for her. Kowaru's brain activity was normal for a relaxed dream-state and had not changed since he had fallen asleep. When Maya came in with the now 8th cup of coffee, she gently touched Ritsuko's shoulder, beckoning her to open her eyes once again.

"Hm?! Sorry. Did I drift there?"

Maya smiled. "A little."

"Still nothing, eh?"

"Nothing out of a normal person's pattern of sleeping." Maya answered. She sat down in the chair next to Ritsuko, who kicked her shoes off and put her feet up on the desk. Her hose was ripped on the bottoms of her heels, but she didn't seem to care if Maya saw. Taking a small sip of her own coffee, Maya finally took a deep breath and looked directly at Ritsuko.

"Senpai, what _exactly _is it that you're looking for?"

"Ikari told me to start watching him. He thinks something might happen…very soon."

Maya looked at her, expecting more, but Ritsuko knew it would be dangerous to tell her anything else.

"You really don't like Kowaru kun, do you? Why don't you? He's such a good person…"

"Maya…things aren't always what they seem."

At that moment one of the machines on the desk began beeping uncontrollably. Ritsuko immediately perked up and snatched the printouts coming out of a nearby printer. Scanning them and squinting her eyes, she nodded to herself and collapsed back in her chair.

"What is it?" Maya asked.

"DNA sequence the same as a human's. Brain patterns the same as a human's…"

"Yes, we know that senpai. We've tested him before…"

"But we've never figured out the mystery Maya! The synch levels he can achieve are too high to be possible. And now look at this readout…he's sound asleep but this dream he's having just spiked him to so much activity that he should have been jolted awake."

"Maybe he just naturally has an overactive imagination…?"

"I've said from the beginning that boy was unnatural. Ikari was right to have me confine him here."

"Senpai…! Confine him?! You mean this is all just an act so we can keep him here without alarming anyone?"

Ritsuko did not answer.

"How long are we going to do this?"

Ritsuko glared at her. "As long as Ikari thinks there's danger. Now get back to work."

Maya nodded sadly and left. Ritsuko dragged her hand through her hair and down her face, knowing full well the look she was going to get from Shinji when he found out.

--

_"Humans are unable to create something out of nothing. They must have something to start with because humans aren't gods."_ Kowaru said. Seele's sound-onlys surrounded him.

_"But there's a man who seeks to gain power equal to God's. There is a man besides us who wants to reopen Pandora 's Box and who wants to close the box before hope can appear." _One answered.

"That's the Lilims' hope?" he replied.

_"There are as many forms of hope as there are people. Hope only exists the hearts of people. But our hopes are materializing in Lilith, Progenitor of humanity - the false successors from the Black Moon…"_

"And in Adam, progenitor of Angels - the true successors from the lost White Moon."

_"…And whose salvaged soul resides only within you, but whose revived body is already inside Ikari."_

"Shinji kun's father…like me…"

_"That is why we now entrust our hope to you."_

"I know. It's why I'm here…now."

Seele then disappeared, leaving Kowaru alone in the tiny room. He had no idea what time it was, but he assumed it was close to morning since he was hearing the door unlocking. He rose out of bed and waited patiently for Ritsuko to come in.

Instead it was Maya. Her face was downcast - she would not look directly at him.

"Kowaru kun, I'm afraid you have to stay here."

Kowaru nodded, smiling. "That's alright."

Maya twisted her face at him. "How can you stay so optimistic?"

"Love is a powerful thing." he answered. "When someone is loved…" he signed. "they can face anything."

--

"Ritsuko san is doing _what!?_"

Misato shrugged apologetically and held out her hands to Shinji. "I'm sorry, Shinji kun, but please try to understand. It's not a big deal - I swear. She said she just found something a little strange in the tests and they just want to keep him for a couple days to check it out."

"But _what _is it they found?! What's the matter with him? Is it something serious?"

"For the hundredth time, _no. _It's not. He's fine!"

"Then _why _can't I see him?!"

Misato sighed. At last she could see that the desperation in Shinji's eyes would allow no answer she could give to be sufficient enough to calm him down. He was practically hysterical. His shoulders heaved as he took each deep gulp of breath, and his voice cracked when he spoke. She had to admit it made her envious, seeing him like this. She saw the way he looked at Kowaru. She half-wondered if anyone would ever look at her that way.

The long silence caused Shinji to storm off towards his room. Just as he was about to shut the door, she called out to him.

"He gave Ritsuko a message for you, Shinji kun."

Immediately he turned his head around the corner, grasping with white knuckles the doorframe, waiting with baited breath.

"He told you not to worry."

Instead of alleviating the boy's turmoil, the words seemed to increase it. He clenched his teeth and punched the wall, then slammed the door behind him.

Suddenly, her thirst for alcohol was thrown into sharp relief.

Opening the fridge, grabbing a cold one and flopping down into one of the kitchen table's chairs, she savagely ripped one hand through her hair, perhaps hoping the pressure in her brain would release. The worry she felt began to roll around in the pit of her stomach, making her uncomfortable in her own body. The icy condensation of the beer against her skin versus the hot tears on her face was a surreal negation of reality; knowing she was helpless to help one of the few people she really cared about, and what was even more painful was the fact that he didn't want her help anyway.

--

Kowaru slowly opened his eyes and felt the sting of water flow and blur his vision. All around him there were machines whirring directly outside the long tube he was in, bobbing and floating as the scientists outside took notes.

"You're doing well, Kowaru kun." he heard Ritsuko say through an earpiece he wore. He nodded and smiled, though no one could see since he wore a large breathing apparatus over the lower half of his face. That was alright, though. They were busy. They didn't need the courtesy of being smiled at.

Humans. They were all humans. Always so concerned with what is right in front of them and never all around them. In the room, he was the only one connected. The rest were individuals, fighting tooth and nail to protect their separatism. They must hate. They must not believe that they are part of something much greater. They must be on their own.

Not Shinji. Shinji was so compassionate. Always wanting to reach out, to connect with others. He wanted so much to touch and be touched - never did he want to live his life alone. And yet he always had.

"Ritsuko san…" he said quietly.

"Try not to talk, Kowaru kun." she snapped back.

"Gomen, Ritsuko san. But I must ask you something."

"…..What is it?"

"How is Shinji kun?"

"He's fine. Now no more talking, alright?"

"…Hai, Ritsuko san."

--

"I'm home." Asuka called out into the hallway. She slid her shoes off and smelled the air to see what Shinji was cooking for dinner. When she smelled pizza and beer, she sneered and walked into the living room, where she knew Misato would be lazing in front of the television.

The lights were off and Misato was in a towel, sleepily gazing at the flashing screen. The pizza box was almost empty - and it was an extra large.

Asuka flipped the light switch on. Misato winced and groaned.

"What's going on?"

"Shinji kun hasn't come out of his room in seven hours." Misato answered. "So it's every man or woman for themselves tonight. "

"Seven hours?! He's been in there _seven _hours? Hasn't even come out to go to the bathroom?"

"They're putting Kowaru kun in quarantine for a couple days."

Asuka's mildly annoyed look turned into fierce rage almost instantly. "Is that so?"

She threw down her bag and banged loudly on Shinji's door while Misato's voice weakly called out for her to 'let him be.' From within she could hear him playing his cello.

"What is the _matter _with you, you idiot?!" she barked. "Is that stupid boy really the Earth and sky? Is he your oxygen? Can't you even _breathe _without him near you every second of every hour of every day? Can you not even stand on your own two feet without him? I mean, my God, I thought you were pathetic before, but…"

The cello music did not stop. Finally she heard, "Go away, Asuka" and nothing else.

"…You're a weakling." she attacked again. "A useless weakling. One day he's going to leave you and then what will you do? Fall apart? If that's what you'll do, you don't deserve to be alive."

Now the music came to a screeching halt. The door flew open and Shinji had a look Asuka had never seen him have before - it was one of total and complete unbridled rage.

"NOT TODAY, Asuka." he yelled. "I'm not in the mood for your crap today. So just shut up and leave me alone!"

At first the outburst had taken Asuka aback, but she soon regained her composure and stepped up to the challenge.

"You can't run and hide from the world, baka. And you can't depend on one person to hold you up. You have to hold _yourself _up. Isn't that what Kowaru would want you to do?"

She could see how the last few words had hit him like a freight train and was slowly beginning to sink under his skin, penetrating his heart and changing his expression from anger to apathy. The sound of Shinji's voice booming so loudly had roused Misato - she soon came stumbling into the hall, holding on to the wall for support.

"Asuka chan, stop it." she said. "Apologize to him right now."

Shinji did not give either of them the opportunity to continue the conversation; he very quickly turned away and went to the front hall, where he began to put his shoes on.

"Shinji kun, wait…" Misato implored.

"What a man you are, Shinji baka. Always running away. You're the lowest." Asuka growled bitterly.

"Asuka chan, don't say that!"

They both heard the door slam.

Misato cursed and fell over to her bedroom, grabbing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. "We're going after him… both of us."

"He's a coward and if he wants to run away, fine."

"He can't just wander around the city at night by himself...!"

"Hmph. Well you can count me out. Who would want to go looking for that baka in the first place…"

Misato opened the front door and paused before leaving. "Asuka chan…" she whispered. "Not everybody is as strong as you."

Then Asuka found herself alone.

--

__

"The time is now, Tabris…go, take the demon and free the servant of God below."  
Kowaru smiled sadly.

"Understood."

The Seele sound-onlys disappeared and Kowaru began walking towards the door to his cell. Slowly he rose into the air and the door flew open, the locks melting and falling to the floor.

"Shinji-kun…please forgive me."

--

Shinji's feet carried him to the lake where Kowaru and he had first met. The water had risen since that time, and though it was once a crater where Asuka's Evangelion's foot had stood, the force of nature was adopting it quickly into its family. Grass was growing at the edge of the water, and ducks were swimming happily, cleaning their feathers. It made him happy to see there were pigeons resting on the statue where Kowaru had once sat. He noticed for the first time that the statue had wings. Laughing quietly, he skipped a stone across the water.

He thought briefly about how things had been before Kowaru had come to Tokyo 3. He had been distrusted by everyone; in fact, he still was for the most part. He had won over a few who had bothered to talk to him for more than five minutes, like Maya and Misato…but still the general verdict was that he was strange and made everyone uneasy.

But Kensuke and Toji were still gone after their homes had been destroyed…they rarely wrote and never called. Kowaru was all he had in the world. And he loved his strangeness, how he seemed happy all the time, and no matter what, he was there for him. Calling him in the middle of the night, just to see if he was doing okay, always saying just the right thing to make him feel better…

His cel phone rang.

Eagerly he reached into his pocket and answered it without looking at the caller ID.

"Kowaru kun??" he yelled.

"Shinji-kun, get to headquarters now. We are under attack."

Misato's voice was cold and distant. The blood drained from Shinji's face.

"Hai. But why aren't the sirens going off in the town? I don't hear them."

"The Angel is inside NERV, Shinji-kun. Get over here now."

"Hai!"

He closed his cel phone and paused before dashing off.

_Kowaru kun…don't worry, I'll protect you!_

--


	3. Chapter 3

"Commander Ikari, the angel has taken Unit 02 and is on its way to Terminal Dogma."

"You mean…Kowaru kun's _controlling _02 from _outside _it?!"

"Yes, Maya. We don't have much time. Seal the shaft! Don't let him get any farther!"

While Gendou watched the chaos of the underlings below him, secretly he smiled behind his folded hands. Fuyutsuki noticed and leaned down towards him.

"Those old fossils are speeding things along nicely." Gendou whispered.

"It looks like they don't trust anyone to do the job right except themselves." Fuyutsuki answered.

"Even without their interference, Fuyutsuki, everything is going according to the dead sea scrolls. The plan is close to fruition."

"Commander! Unit 00 is still under repairs! The only Eva we have available is 01!" Misato yelled.

"And the dummy evas are not ready for testing. Do you trust Shinji to take care of this one himself?" Fuyutsuki added.

Gendou paused. "I don't trust anyone, Fuyutsuki. Katsuragi…"

"Hai!"

"Neutralize the Angel by any means necessary."

"Hai! I won't let you down, sir!"

Gendou nodded and both men left, leaving Misato in command. She took a deep breath and propped a foot on a nearby chair.

"Damn, I'm going to need a drink after this…"

"Did you tell Shinji who the Angel was?" Hyuga asked.

"…No, I didn't."

"What's going to -"

"I DON'T KNOW what's going to happen, alright?! …Look, the bottom line is that's an angel, and Shinji is an Evangelion pilot. End of story!"

Hyuga shrunk back. "I'm sorry, Katsuragi san."

Normally Misato would have apologized - already that creeping guilt was inching its way up her spine, but she didn't have time for this. Her heart was locking itself down, getting ready for a torrent of hate and screaming and anger billowing towards her. She probably would never be forgiven for what she was going to ask Shinji to do, but there was no other choice. Suffer the burden of his hatred, or allow the world to be destroyed. She laughed at herself when she paused to decide.

--

Shinji rushed into Unit 01's dock and jumped into the entry plug. He heard Misato's voice on the intercom all around him.

"Shinji kun, it's about time you got here."

"Where's Kowaru kun?! Is he safe?!" was his immediate response.

"The Angel is heading down the shaft to Terminal Dogma. We can't seal the shaft from here; it's taken over all the controls. You're our only hope, Shinji kun."

"Understood, Misato san, but where's Kowaru kun?! Please tell me if he's okay!"

Misato's silence made Shinji's panic rise to a boil. "Misato san! Answer me!!"

What had happened?! Was Kowaru dead? Was he injured? Was he…

"Shinji kun…Kowaru _is _the Angel."

"What…?"

"Kowaru kun is the Angel, and you must stop him."

"…No…No…No no no no no! I don't believe it! Kowaru kun can't be an Angel! It isn't true!!"

"Accept it, Shinji kun. Now Sortie. It's time."

Shinji's breath whistled through his clenched teeth as his fists slammed the controls. The entry plug was then placed into 01 and it began its launch.

"You….you betrayed me…you betrayed my heart…KOWARU, YOU BETRAYED ME JUST LIKE MY FATHER!!"

--

Kowaru felt a few pieces of lint in his pockets and played with them absentmindedly as he descended. His nose itched, so he scratched it, and slowly he began to fidget more, anxiously waiting for Shinji.

"Why haven't you stopped me yet, Shinji kun?" he said. The SDAT player was in his back pocket. He decided to take it out and hold it in his hands; it brought him an immense amount of comfort, as if the little thing wasn't made out of metal, but made of something warm and gentle, almost alive.

Ah, he could hear Unit 01 now. It was a few hundred yards overhead. And yet more strongly he felt Shinji's overwhelming fear, despair, anger…all the things that made Lilims weak and unable to see that they were connected with all living things. That's why God no longer lived in the world with them. An A.T. field may keep souls separate, but a thread of unity passes through all of nature, and the buildings and machines that surrounded the Lilims were monuments to their desire to sever that thread.

Instead of embracing their humility and unity, their hope is to become Gods. Gods in their own world. And the Black Moon is using that to do something they should never do - reenter heaven after God cast them out.

He could not bring himself to hate the tiny machine he held in his hand, though. It had become something much more than what it was; it had become Shinji's heart. Fluttering like a bird, delicate like glass.

And here came his beautiful, wonderful, warm and compassionate Shinji. Shinji who loved to hold him in the middle of the night and breathe gently, ruffling his hair. Shinji who for no reason would buy him lunch, or play him a song on his cello. Shinji who only has one desire - to be humble and unite with the one that he loves.

"KOWARU KUN!"

Kowaru smiled and looked up. "I've been waiting for you, Shinji kun."

--

"Combat engaged between Unit 01 and 02, heavy damage to 02 sustained!"

"These A.T. readings are phenomenal…"

"20 meters until the target reaches Terminal Dogma!"

"Shinji kun…I'm sorry I have to ask you to do this…" Misato whispered to herself. "…but what's even worse is that I can't avoid what I'm about to do…"

"Katsuragi san, heavy damage just sustained to unit 01!"

"Hyuga…listen to me, but keep your voice down."

Hyuga's eyes darted back, but he made no sudden movements.

"If something should happen…if we lose the signal from the Evas…"

"I know." he interrupted. "You want me to begin the self destruct countdown. Anything is better than third impact, am I right?"

"I'm so sorry…"

"Not at all, if I can die with you."

Misato smiled and squeezed her hands together. Being powerless was never something she could quite get used to, and no matter what she couldn't trust Shinji to do the right thing…not in these circumstances. She admitted that she would rather blow the whole place to bits than let Shinji decide if he would kill the one important thing in his life. He wasn't strong enough for that, but she couldn't condemn him. She doubted she would be that strong, either.

--

At long last Shinji found himself at the bottom of the shaft. He was surrounded by a pool of strange liquid and rock formations - what he knew to be the very core of Nerv. He looked around for Kowaru, but by the time he spotted him Asuka's Eva was already starting up again…

"Heaven's door is opening!" Hyuga called out on the intercom.

"Shinji kun, you have to stop him and you have to stop him now!"

Misato's voice, so panicked and afraid, was like knives stabbing him over and over, the pressure of knowing if he didn't shred Asuka's Eva limb from limb right this minute, everything would be reduced to nothingness driving him mad. He heard his own heartbeat pounding in his ears as he screamed and tore Unit 02's face apart, driving his progressive knife into its head.

"Adam…those born of Adam must return to Adam, even if it means the destruction of humanity?" Kowaru whispered as the bloated, wounded figure of Lilith appeared in front of him. But when he saw her face, he realized what had been done. He had been used from the start. And now the only course of action was to die. He felt relieved, suddenly. Every second since this had begun he had asked himself if he had the heart to continue, and thankfully now he didn't have to make the decision. A nagging voice in the back of his head still wanted to know the answer to the choice of destroying Shinji or being with him and allowing human instrumentality to take place, but he laughed as he realized that there was no way he could ever bring harm to Shinji, even if it meant going against Heaven. Shinji was enough of a Heaven for him anyway.

The only choice now was to let Shinji kill him. That way he could still return to God, shamed and defeated, but not a betrayer. And he couldn't stay with Shinji…Heaven would only compel him to attack Gendou relentlessly until he was killed. There was no way. Just no way.

At last Eva 01 appeared in the doorway, blood-soaked from the vicious battle. Instantly Shinji grabbed Kowaru with the gargantuan Evangelion hand, ready to end his life.

"Kowaru kun!! Why…Why are you going to make me KILL you?!" Shinji screamed. In the control room his voice rolled against the walls so the whole of Nerv could hear him.

"Shinji kun…do it now!" Misato called. Her hand hovered over the self-destruct sequence control panel, shaking uncontrollably. _Let me trust you, Shinji kun…please…_

"I HATE YOU! YOU BETRAYED ME!"

"Shinji kun…thank you for coming to stop me." Kowaru said gently. Inwardly words 'I hate you' stung; it hurt more than anything Kowaru could have imagined. He wondered if all humans felt this, and yet he continued to smile. If he stopped smiling, it would make this harder for Shinji.

"How could you do that to me?! You know me…you KNOW me! You know how hard it was for me to believe that you cared about me…it took me all this time to trust you, to believe in you, to know that what you said was true! To have faith that you actually…wanted me…that somebody wanted me at all, and I wasn't just a piece of trash to everybody…"

"Shinji kun, I meant what I said when we first met. I was born to meet you, and now it's my purpose to die here. If you don't kill me, it will be the destruction of all things right here, in this moment. You know that, don't you?"

"Kowaru kun….!"

"My death is the only absolute liberty for me. Set me free, Shinji kun. Erase me, or you will be erased. Do it now. The life that escapes the time of annihilation, and that obtains the future, is only one. "

There was silence. Kowaru could hear Shinji sob, and his arms ached to hold him. And inside he cursed at himself. _You should not have fallen for him like a human would have…you should not have told him you love him. You only made this one, inevitable moment that much more difficult for him. After all, he is not the one who must die. He will have the future. The future is not for me. Not for us._

"Shinji kun…I'm glad to have met you."

Inside his Evangelion, Shinji stared at the controls. Over five minutes went by, and he did nothing, knowing Kowaru was looking directly at him, knowing the whole of Nerv was waiting for him, their savior, to come to their rescue.

Was this whole past year a farce? It couldn't be…all the people who had ever confessed to loving him never _really _had loved him…they all used him for some purpose of their own design. But Kowaru…he was different…this couldn't be real!

"Shinji kun, you have to accept that he's betrayed you. He is the enemy. You _must _destroy him!" Misato yelled.

Tears flowed from his eyes as he squeezed the trigger of the controls and began to pull back, commanding the Eva to squeeze its hand closed. Then, he saw it.

Kowaru was holding the SDAT player.

He gasped as he stared at it; Kowaru's fingers were wrapped around it so tightly, so desperately. He was afraid to let go of it. He was afraid to let go of him. There was fear deep in those red eyes that seemed so calm, and Shinji had found it.

The hate melted from him. The anger and the sadness all fell away. His heart opened once again to Kowaru, and it turned on everything else.

"Shinji kun, do you hear me? Destroy him! For all of us you must --"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP."

"Shinji kun!" Misato yelled back. Her hand grew closer to the control panel."

"SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! This is none of your fucking business, Misato, so just BACK OFF! Cut the communications, NOW!"

After taking a breath, begging herself inwardly to trust him, the answer was the same. She couldn't. "This is between ME and HIM, so GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, NOW!!"

His screaming shook Misato to her core, but she still did not move.

"What the hell was that?!"

"An AT field! Light waves, electromagnetic waves and particles are shut out! We've lost track of the Evas and the target!"

"Communications are severed!"

Hyuga turned to Misato. "Katsuragi san, you know what you have to do now…"

"Hyuga kun, I don't know if I can go through with it…"

Misato held her hands over her stomach and stepped backwards. The look on her face was one of total disgust, as if she would start retching any minute.

Hyuga snatched her hand. "Yes, you can. I'll help you. We _have _to…"

"No, wait…please, Katsuragi san."

Maya stood up from her chair. "Please give Shinji kun a chance."

"Maya, you do realize what will happen if…!" Aoba barked.

"Yes, I do. But we have to start trusting him _sometime. _Please, Katsuragi san. If it's between dying now or dying in a few minutes after we've exhausted every possible hope, I know which one I'd choose."

Misato cursed and turned away from the flickering screens. She shook her head.

"Shinji kun…don't you dare screw up."

--

After Rei's AT field had neutralized the communications, she turned to leave. Kowaru glanced at her briefly to smile a 'thank you,' to which she nodded.

Shinji scrambled to turn everything in his Eva off, savagely hitting buttons and slamming switches. Once only the hum of the life support systems remained, he loosened the grip on Kowaru so that the giant hand remained relaxed and opened. Kowaru floated downwards to land on its palm, looking solemnly at Shinji.

"Listen to me, Kowaru kun…just please…listen to me." he pleaded. "Why are you doing this? Who put you up to it? Why do you have to do it?"

"You humans don't understand, Shinji kun." Kowaru answered sympathetically. "You are fighting a battle you can't win. Either way all of this-" he gestured all around him-"is going to end."

"Of course it's going to end!" he snapped back. Everything that begins ends! All I'm asking is why you have to be my enemy when it does!"

"We can't allow the powers that are behind you Shinji kun to conquer Heaven's law."

"Who is 'we' God damn it?! What about you? What about what you want? Don't you want me, Kowaru kun? Did you…ever want me…?"

Kowaru's heart ached. "Of course, Shinji kun. I still do."

"Then FUCK whoever is making the rules! We'll make our OWN rules! Please, Kowaru kun! I'm willing to give up everything for you…I CAN'T lose you! I can't LIVE without you!! Can't you understand that!?"

__

"Yes you can live, Shinji kun. It will hurt, but you will go on every day without me."

"But it will be…so empty…what's the point of living when your heart is empty?"

Kowaru smiled. "The hearts of humans are empty because they are separate from each other. They avoid being near one another, and wonder why they are then alone. But you will have the power soon. You will be able to reshape the future."

"THERE IS NO FUTURE WITHOUT YOU!" Shinji screamed. "Why can't you see that I'm not talking about what is around us…I'm talking _about _us! Just you and me! And all I know is that if everything's going to end anyway, which it will…I want it to end while I'm holding your hand."

"What you will not be able to live without Shinji kun is the feeling of not being by yourself anymore. You don't want to return to that empty life you had before. It has nothing to do with me. It's an entirely selfish wish that you don't want me to die."

"How could you say that…?! HOW DARE you say that! After all I've confessed to you…there isn't ANYTHING you don't know about me, Kowaru kun! And what about all the nights we've spent together…I just don't understand what's gotten into you! You may be an Angel, but you're MY angel! Some part of you is human just like me…and you love me too. I know you do!"

Angels in stories were all-loving, all-knowing beings. But Kowaru didn't love Shinji like he loved everyone else…it was love as a human loves. He knew it, deep inside himself. He was special to Kowaru. He had to be. Even as he smiled and gave compassion to everyone he met, he reserved some humanity for Shinji and Shinji alone. That small spark was all Shinji needed to live. And for the first time he was strong enough to know it without Kowaru's reassuring words constantly repeated; he was strong enough to believe in him. It was true that he could be loved by another. _It was true. _

When the words 'my angel' were spoken, they had changed Kowaru's expression. The words seemed to overtake him and soften his face - quietly he smiled as tears came to his eyes.

"Enough of this shit…" Shinji yelled. He ejected the plug and ran down the Eva's arm, colliding gently with Kowaru in a haphazard embrace.

"Since the dawn of man, Kowaru kun…man has always feared the end of the world. Some said it would be tomorrow, some said a thousand years from now…all we know for certain is that it will end. So what little…or great amount of future is left, don't you want to see it with me?"

Kowaru brushed the hair out of Shinji's wet eyes and his smile broadened. "Yes…" he sniffed. "I do want to see the future with you, Shinji kun…"

They kissed and held one another tighter, content to never let go. Kowaru put his head against Shinji's chest, listening to his precious heart beat.

"Don't ever try to leave again…" Shinji whispered.

"No, Shinji. Even if I am going against Heaven, I won't do that. And no matter what kind of bleak or wonderful future we'll have together, I'll be here with you."

--

When Misato finally reached Terminal Dogma with the rescue team, upon opening the hatch door she looked down at the kneeling Unit 01, looking over Shinji and Kowaru in the palm of its hand. Kowaru was lying in Shinji's lap while Shinji sat up, stroking through platinum hair and smiling. He looked up at Misato.

"Shinji kun…" she said quietly, so no one could hear. "You are a lot braver than I give you credit for. I should have trusted you."

--

Kowaru allowed himself to be led by the hand by Shinji through the halls upwards through Nerv. The smaller boy was marching with a stern look on his face but clutching to Kowaru for dear life. They had never been that public about their relationship but while all of Nerv stared at them Shinji kept holding on, even as Asuka and Rei were passed by.

Ritsuko stood at the door to the locker room with her arms crossed. Immediately Shinji stood in front of Kowaru.

"_You won't lay one FINGER on him." _he barked at her. Kowaru smiled as Ritsuko relented, albeit reluctantly. He knew he would have to get used to this, and Shinji seemed to be stepping up to the challenge. No one in Nerv would ever trust him again, and Shinji would constantly have to guard him from the poking and prying of Ritsuko down to the condemnation of Misato. It was now his turn to be taken care of by Shinji and not vice versa, as it had always been. And it was a wonderful feeling, he admitted. To be loved so much and watched over, like God watches over his creation.

Shinji didn't know it, but there was a little bit of Angel in him, too.

Tomorrow would prove to be an interesting day.

--


End file.
